now i know who are my real friends,
i don't really intend of making new ones.
but if you just happen to know me at the right time and i am in the right mood,
why not?
the deal right here is simple,
i am going to be more strict on the type of friends i hang with,
call me anti-social, call me anything.
you don't mean a thing to me till i find you interesting.
and believe me it is getting harder to get my attention.
till then, i'll say what i have to say and what i want to say.
not what you want to hear.
i don't respect acts of sucking up if you ask me.
so let's just say.
prove to me you're worth the stay.
and true enough, miracles happen to people who makes.
Things have changed.
I have never realized how unappreciative i was in the past few years.
Looking back at my life and the feedbacks i received.
Facts showed that I have been always been better off than most of my friends.
What happened actually?
Truth is i am not sure actually.
Money has always been what i love to earn and splurge.
without actually thinking of the rationale on why i spent so much.
I was always in my own make-believe troubles.
this has to stop.
I have to be a better man than what my mum thinks of me now.
always letting her down.
thats what i was perceived to be excellent at.
True friends stabbing in the front.
that was all that really matters.
i have never felt this shitty in all my life till minutes ago where i find myself in a state of anger,confusion and depressed.
honestly bro, you were never a burden for me and never will you be one.
i don't exploit on your falters and weaknesses.
as much as i can, i always wanted the best for you.
at times, yes, i have to agree that ego got the best of me and i do blurt out harsh words out of frustration just to hope that you realize how angry i can be at times.
but you left me with words that stings the strongest of ties and heart.
like a dagger that is forced in hard to cause permanent damages.
fuck, i was on the receiving end.
"at least i don't treat my friends like trash as how you do"
those were the words and its bound to create nightmares and thoughts that hurts even the friendliest of men.
with all due respect, i don't wish to oppose that ideology.
instead, I'll keep that phrase in mind every where i will set my foot on.
maybe i did make mistakes here and there but it was unintentional.
for that, for those of the fallen, i am apologizing on behalf of my actions and words that may hurt you guys.
I was glad to hear that you view me more of a brother than a friend.
honestly, i feel the same way about you.
but to watch you walk away when i just wanted to fix things up with a simple chat was simply..hmmmm... (I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS IT HERE IN WORDS)
that was how fucked up i was. with a fresh wound in hand and thinking that i am letting 5 years of friendship burnt just like that. I was just wanting to salvage it and amend any mistakes we both have. its no denial it takes two hands to clap.
same goes to problems in a friendship. we both know that we're at fault. we have to fix things up together and that was how we operated for the past few years. the struggles we had, the fights we shared.
you're still a true friend to me.
no matter how much you are going to hate me,
for being honest with my feelings,
i don't view you anything less than what i have always been seeing you as.
a true friend.
right now, nothing means more to me than
my bike
my guitar
my mum
my grades
my final year project
my band
my friends
my family
my self
these are the things i will focus on currently. ensuring that every field is done or worked on till perfection arises. i should stop wasting time and let my sweat and tears do all the talking from now on. work is seriously a must in this life of mine.
and i am so not gonna deprive myself of it.
hope that f.a.d will accept my proposition and allow us to have our show there instead of us using crawlspace. guess the place is just too small for our liking. :)
this term often overused.
where do i stand after countless usage of it?
did i really amend my mistakes? did i ever tried to bother change?
truth is i have tried so hard but the results were simply insignificant.
so these wounds should stay unhealed forever?
those burning scars..
will anyone really cure me of this torture i withstand?
mum,
i am sorry for all the mess i've created this past 19 years.
the hell you had to go through just to see me grow up.
to support me and my siblings as a single mother.
i'll apologize on my biological father whom i've lost touch with this couple of years back.
to see those tears, they just saddens me to know i was the cause all along.
always being the one you put your hopes on.
the burden was ever so great. with this load on my shoulder i tried to march forth.
only to know i led a path so twisted that it was hard to ever go back.
so much has been shed this couple of years lately.
to see me as a teenager now and entering adulthood.
i understand your fear in me right now.
being an individual with lost moralities, i fear myself greatly too.
habits that reminds you of my father, ego that tore the family apart.
it has been trademarked in me since i started knowing freedom.
not appreciating what you have done so much.
i was such a selfish son. no, i don't deserve to have a great mum like you.
we lost our connection.
i'm crying right now thinking of this chaos that dawns upon us.
will you ever forgive me mum?
i am holding my breath, gasping as time stands still just to hope that you do.
i am sorry mum.
it is about time i open up to the world.
long gone the days of hiding.
keeping the truth behind my egoistical front.
19 years of twisted hardship.
family roots ever so winding.
an individual led to believe in self independence.
that was what i have become.
never really agreeing with others and stone headed.
this is who i am.
my single mother and siblings were the only family to me.
the dad that never really bothered about the well-being of us even though he has his heart still engraving our names.
where were you when we were in peril?
never really there cause you have your own hell to handle.
i never blamed you for that cause i know how you feel right now.
going towards the same path of mad destruction.
i really hope someone pulls me hard.
poverty was something i lived through and i led myself to believe i am my own father.
the one responsible for the acts of my younger blood ones.
looking at all from a bigger picture.
i have only myself to blame.
i spent so much time outside that i disregard this feeling of home.
can i change this path i'm setting foot on?
to my friends,
thanks for being there when i needed someone to listen to my worries.
thanks for always supporting me through thick and thin.
appreciating me for who i really am and always making a point that i was ok.
i love it when you guys are happy.
just puts a smile on my face.
and never should you worry cause every one of them is as sincere as the last one you've seen.
stay in there guys. cause i need you guys more than ever right now.
in this time of true hardship, i am truly sorry to be pulling you guys down or asking for help. i am really sorry.
MORE THAN LIFE - FEARLetting go of my love with a stranger's breath against my skin
I left my heart 200 miles away,
I never had it back
It all fell apart and the blood ran cold through these dead veins
Standing by your side without saying a word.
I was breathless
Nothing left to believe in.
Your worn face and hands tell the stories of solitude.
Endless Friday nights and fucking fear.
Finally breaking our silence,
only to find out the harsh reality
That catches up on me, on these winter nights that came to soon (too fucking soon)
I'm only 19 years old but there's so much pain in here
Fuck this pain!
So look past my skin,
look past these scars,
look past the glimmer of hope in my eyes
If I'm honest to myself it feels like you're only haunting me.
This song really explained what i am feeling deep down right now.
Indescribable tortures that dwells within in me only written as a song for others.
Sometimes I wonder what is going on and how am I able to cope it.
i hate the motherfxckin freaking weather nowadays.
sure people have been saying "wow its raining!so nice to sleep"
well people,think for a moment before you wish its going to rain heavily again alright?
since you are not living in this world alone and there are bound to have cons to every wish you deem positive.
for true example,when you guys are happily sleeping,some of us are actually traveling having to attend matters or even school/work! so spare a thought for these busy individuals will ya?
sure its cozy when its raining and you're indoors, but have you guys ever wondered that what is going on outside? imagine workers still having to work hard just so that you guys live in comfort.start appreciating others...
well that brings me to my second point. appreciating others.
i have been through hell lately where i finally figured out who are my real true friends and who are just acquaintances.
Real friends will walk up to you,say something is wrong with you and talk things out hoping for a mutual understanding between both parties.
Fake friends on the other hand, go up to you and insult all he/she wants without coming up with a solution.
I've seen so much of the latter lately that i forgotten how it feels like to be chilling with my hommies and brothers.
These friends of mine are the ones that have stick through thin and thick with me.
never ever bringing up what happened in the past and always looking for a better future. Friendship is full of hope and trust. That's what's important actually to make a perfect cup of friendship.
FRIENDS ARE LOYAL.
FRIENDS DON'T INSULT WITHOUT A SOLUTION IN HAND.
FRIENDS DON'T USE THEIR FRIENDS FOR PERSONAL GAIN.
FRIENDS LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER THROUGH THICK AND THIN.
FRIENDS ENSURE THE BEST FOR EACH OTHER.
FRIENDS SACRIFICES THEIR WANTS JUST TO ENSURE OTHERS ARE HAPPY.
FRIENDS DON'T STUCK UP TO OTHERS AND KILL THEIR OWN KIND.
I am happy that i have true friends around me. :)
i appreciated the things you taught.
remember the times we had and cherish each moment of it.
before things get so wrong for me. I'll break myself apart.
no worries cause I've learned to be a better man from all this really.
thanks so much miss, you know i am always there if you ever really need a friend.
i wish for so much right now. hopeful.
eyes all cleared now.
I'm looking forward but i just can't see straight.
buried by all these ashes of a monster.
its okay cause i am still breathing.
don't sigh cause i will find my way out from this war-scarred remnants.
staying positive, i am actually opening up some windows and letting others in.
time for me to really think right and go on with this life.
there are so much i want to do right now.
help me organize my journey. i have done too much homework on it.
energy drained. i am only capable of dragging my feet across this path.
i need that push to get me going again.
help anyone?
things been happening too fast with such limited time frame.
it's okay. i have learned so much in the past to be able to cope with this train wreck.
smiles on that, thanks to all my friends who were there to cheer me up when i am down.
funny how people presumed i am a happy-go-lucky guy when i am actually not.
i think a lot, i think deep, i think hard on the events that happened in my life.
analyze the situations and derive my own answers to all the imposing questions.
oh well me being me. i love my sight.
able to pick myself up after every mishaps and dealing it with a one-man showmanship pleases me. call me self-centered but i know i am not. egoistical disguise just to push myself up high among the others. catch me if you can guys,that is a challenge i issue to all.
we all have our own dreams and beliefs.
work hard for it.
we all die alone in the end really.
morning sunRemee and me kinda created a new tune for the band lately.
decided to actually input some ideology into the hymm.
main words for this song will be "morning sun".
every morning,we have to agree that most of us have to wake up to a 9-5 routines.
always,simply always,the sun will be up there staring down at us.
angry at itself as it was tasked to be up every morning just to shine down on us.
what do we do in return for his actions? we simply sulk. beat ourselves about and neglect his presence.
don't you guys see it?
we are really self-centered creatures that requires some global motivational campaigns just to drive us to be nice.
this is all pretty pathetic.
i don't wanna be a part of this self-centered colony.i want to stand up above the rest.easily singled out for this very plan i have.
time for a change.
time for appreciating what has been given to us.
just like the morning sign, i will rise up to the occasions and bring goodness to the others. helping them. impacting lives. those are my dreams for now. my plans for the future.
lets smile hope to ourselves,band.
lets breath with ease knowing that we have went through a recession of our own and survived it well.
altering individual concepts along the way.
just like the morning sun. we will give signs we're awake and full ready to take up our responsibilities and show the world what we're made up of.
to shine down on others and making an impact on them.
isn't that we have always wanted? to bring across messages to the many people around the world irregardless of race,sex,religion and age?
we will be doing that.
i believe in that dream,what about you?
okay that is all i have to say for now. Aidil, hope you like it. :)
it has been quite some time since i have updated this blogspot.
been kinda busy lately with all the worries and plans i have plotted for myself.
financially i am pretty much unstable right now.
been going over-budget just to see me through the day or have my desire fulfilled.
i know i am not the only one facing the same problem here among the people who walk this earth.
there are bound to have those who will sacrifice their needs to attain their wants.
pretty darn stupid and selfish i suppose?
simply answered that we are all never perfect. never has and never will.
the only thing to do right now is to bounce back from what ever spoils we conjure up for ourselves and bounce really hard from it.
that really showcased me in some other spotlight where i am being tasked as the financial in-charge for Step Aside.Self-appointed i guess? But no worries much. The money is all safe right now and i have to go pay for the gig as soon as i can.
Speaking of bands, i was pretty amazed by Straight Forward's set last Saturday at Scape. Damn tight and this band is really one for the future. Kudos to the band members, their friends and their hot "manager". geez.!
oh yes before i end of with bands and Step Aside, I will gladly like to announce that the band is making progress. Small yet motivational progress that will eventually lead us somewhere. The band had our own talk and scores were settled and misjudgments were fixed. Thanks to all my band mates for making things so much easier. :)
next recording and rewords up and coming soon. check the band's site soon after 18 July.
A friend reminded me yesterday about how i strong-headed and stubborn i was in the past.He is pretty much afraid of how i have lost hope in myself and how i am willing to give up without really putting up a real fight.A fight worth a million years,a fight just for that special someone. It has all been fading from me recently when i saw no glimpse of hope. Yet it is always weird when the feeling of having a crush on someone lingers for long and prolongs false hopes in ya.
that simple reminder really puts wonders in this aching heart. where is my old self? the one who keeps on picking himself up after every fall and fighting for his beliefs?
hey dude,he is here really. i am not giving up right now. i am not going to give up soon. i am never going to give up ever.
money and woman.
these are the weaknesses of man in life.
those that will see a man at his knees begging for a perfect combination of both.
we can't blame the fact that money really can buy you what's wants in life.
it is just that the process of obtaining it that is scaring me.
we see people,contented with lust and sometimes greed, doing anything just to get their hands on money. that dough that will feed the children, that dosh that will keep their life running.there are so many examples out there showing our dependency on money. it will be nuts to list all of em here. in case you guys are wondering why in the world i am blogging about this? the answer is simple, i am a victim of money. i have to admit that my life will be incomplete without the sight of money in my pocket or wallet. i fall to this addiction of shopping,spending money wastefully without hesitation. summing it all up,it has really caused my very great downfall. with all the things that has been happening, i forgot the true meaning of having a great time with anyone and anywhere. this saddens me and i am sorry for those who suffered this peril.
woman is what every man needs. that is pretty much true regardless of your sex orientation. woman here can come in the form of a gf,sweetie,date or even your mum. undeniably, my greatest moments were when i spend time with an opposite sex. irregardless of what we do, the memories just lingers around for ages and never seem to fade. Maybe that is a man's weakness? who can really claim that they chose bros over hoes? who can really admit that they have never ditched their friends just to go out with a girl? no one in mind for me right now. even my closest of friends have their moments and yes,i don't mind it at all cause we all have this desire to be around the opposite sex.
i have seen myself and my hommies fall because of a girl.really painful moments i just had to withstand which i can't seem to remove from this mind of mine. served as a punishment,correction and warning, i am pretty much able to oppose more right now. something good? well it just gotten me in a state where my heart is cold stone. yet it warms up every now and then whenever i see this particular smile. cheezy much? i don't know and i don't care. she made me feel like every single moment i spent with her seeming to be the first time we've met.
with contradictions running in my mind right now. guess i'll stop. sorry.
